June 9, 2006
Emotional Abuse
You Are Not the Cause of His
Anger or Abuse
Note: Dr. Stosny posted this same material on the
Oprah Winfrey website
Anger in relationships is about blame: "I feel bad, and it's your
fault." Even when he recognizes his anger, he'll blame it on you:
"You push my buttons," or, "I might have overreacted, but I'm human,
and look what you did!"
Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament. From
the time they were young children, they've had a more or less
constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail
to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that
terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their
anxiety is with them, not in their environment.
The sole purpose of your husband's anger and abusive behavior is to
defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a:
- Protector
- Provider
- Lover
- Parent
In truth, most men feel inadequate about
relationships. We learn to feel adequate by providing what all
relationships require: support and compassion.
The Silent Abuser
Not all emotional abuse takes the form of shouting or
criticism. More common forms are "stonewalling" and "disengaging."
The man who stonewalls does not overtly put you down. Nevertheless,
he punishes you for disagreeing with him by refusing to even think
about your perspective.
The disengaging husband says, "Do whatever you want, just leave me
alone." He is often a workaholic, couch potato, womanizer, or
obsessive about sports or some other activity. He tries to deal with
his inadequacy about relationships by just not trying.
Both stonewalling and disengaging tactics can make you feel:
- Unseen and unheard in your
marriage
- Unattractive
- Like you don't count
- Like a single parent
What All Forms of Abuse Have in
Common
Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of
compassion; he stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the
lifeblood of marriage and failure of compassion is the heart
disease.
It actually would be less hurtful if your husband never cared about
how you felt. But when you were falling in love, he cared a great
deal. So now it feels like betrayal when he doesn't care or try to
understand. It feels like he's not the person you married.
Unlike love, which masks the differences between people, compassion
makes us sensitive to the individual strengths and vulnerabilities
of other people. It lets us appreciate our differences. Love without
the sensitivity of compassion is:
- Rejecting (who you really are as
a person)
- Possessive
- Controlling
- Dangerous
Harmful Adaptations to Anger and
Abuse
The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the obvious
nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other
demeaning behavior. It's the adaptations you make to try to prevent
those painful episodes. Many women engage in constant self-editing
and self-criticism to keep from "pushing his buttons." Emotionally
abused women can second guess themselves so much that they can lose
themselves in a deep hole.
No One Escapes the Effects of Abuse Everyone in a family is affected
by emotional abuse.
- Everyone in an abusive family
loses some degree of dignity and autonomy (the ability to decide
one's own thoughts, feelings and behavior).
- At least half of victims,
abusers and children in abusive families suffer from clinical
anxiety and/or depression. ("Clinical" means that it interferes
with normal functioning.)
- Most victims, abusers and
children lack genuine self-esteem.
- Emotional abuse is usually more
psychologically damaging than physical abuse.
- Abuse tends to get worse without
intervention from someone outside the family.
- Witnessing abuse makes a child
10 times more likely to become either an abuser or a victim of
abuse. As adults, they are at increased risk of alcoholism,
criminality, mental health problems and poverty.
- Symptoms of children in abusive
families include one or more of the following: depression (looks
like chronic boredom), anxiety, school problems, aggressiveness,
hyperactivity, low self-esteem, over emotionality (anger,
excitability or frequent crying) or no emotions at all.
- Witnessing a parent victimized
is usually more psychologically damaging to children than
injuries from direct child abuse. Seeing a parent abused is
child abuse.
- Symptoms of victims and abusers
often include one or more of the following:
- Trouble sleeping
- Frequent periods of sadness
and crying
- Continual worry, anxiety or
excessive anger
- Obsessions (thoughts you
can't get out of your mind)
- Confusion/impaired
decision-making.
How to Get Your Angry or Abusive
Man to Change
I have been contacted by many men who saw the Oprah show on
emotional abuse and have been inspired to seek help. But I must say
that before the show, only a handful of the more than 4,000 angry
and abusive men I have treated sought help on their own, without
their wives or the courts pressuring them. That's because their
addiction to blame makes them think that they are merely reacting to
everybody else.
The hard fact is, you may have to leave your husband to motivate him
to change. If he is violent or threatens violence, call the police
or file for a civil protection order. (Most communities have
domestic violence hotlines to help you.) Leaving or calling the
police may seem drastic, but they are the most compassionate things
you can do. Your tough-love demands are likely to be the only way to
help him stop the behavior that makes him lose his humanity as he
harms you and your children.
How to Know If Your Husband Has Truly Changed
If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have
no doubt experienced "honeymoon" periods in the past when, driven by
remorse, he seemed to change and everything was fine. The following
will help you know that your partner is in the process of
permanent change. You will feel that he consistently (every
day):
- Values and appreciates you—you
are important to him;
- Listens to you;
- Shows compassion—cares how you
feel, even when you disagree with him;
- Respects you as an equal and
doesn't try to control you or dismiss your opinions;
- Shows affection without always
expecting sex;
- Regulates his guilt, shame,
anxiety, resentment or anger, without blaming them on you.
Look for Compassion and Support,
Not Remorse and Control
Most abusers feel guilt and remorse, at least in the first years of
the abuse. Far from encouraging signs, guilt and remorse can
actually lead to more abuse, as they:
- Focus his attention on how bad
he feels;
- Make him insist that you "get
over it" so he can feel better.
In contrast, compassion:
- Focuses attention on how you
feel;
- Makes him want to help you
feel better.
It is easy to confuse control with
support, especially for men (and parents, for that matter) who feel
protective. Here are some pointers to help you tell the difference.
If he's trying to control you, he:
- Tells you what to do and
punishes you in some way if you don't do it;
- Implies that you're not
competent, smart or resourceful enough to do it on your own;
- Makes it clear that your
perspective isn't important.
If he's trying to support you,
he:
- Helps you find what is best for
you to do and stands by you if what you decide doesn't work;
- Respects your competence,
intelligence, creativity and resourcefulness;
- Values your opinions, even if he
disagrees.
Tips for Husbands to Reconnect
If you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you almost
certainly have developed habits of emotional disconnection. For
instance, touch and eye contact are usually the first things to go
in distressed relationships.
Because your husband has to overcome a nagging sense of relationship
inadequacy, he should initiate all of the following for the
first months of recovery.
Establish a daily routine of brief but consistent moments of
emotional connection with your wife:
- Hug at least six times a day and
hold each hug for at least six seconds. (Hold them that long to
overcome any initial awkwardness.);
- Take at least six seconds six
times a day to appreciate her;
- Have a weekly date night with
just the two of you. (Inexpensive activities or just going for a
walk alone together will do the trick.) This has to be as
important as an appointment with your boss;
- Adopt a brief daily ritual that
expresses your wife's importance to you. For example, offer a
single flower or a flower petal, light a candle, write a note or
hum a few bars of a song you both like;
- Imagine a permanent
lifeline—like the kind the astronauts use in outer
space—connecting you emotionally, no matter how far apart you
are;
- Take six seconds six times a day
to think positively about her when you are not with her. This
will make you behave more positively toward her when you are
with her.
COMPASSION POWER
SERIES - "BOOT CAMPS" for parents
Stop
walking on eggshells! Turn resentment, anger, or emotional abuse
into a compassionate, loving relationship
Anger and Health: The affects on
anger and the family
Family Violence: Why we hurt the
ones we love
Compassionate Parenting: Raising the emotional intelligence of
parents and children
Emotional
Abuse: You are not the cause of his anger or abuse
What Can Help |
