Teens Paying a Price for Privileged
Lives
"There's a reason
on airplanes they tell you to 'put on your own mask first,'" Levine
said, talking about mothers needing to take the time to take care of
themselves.
By Elizabeth Keyser
August 3, 2006
There's an epidemic
among the affluent -- a 200 percent increase in depression among
children in the upper classes, according to psychologist Madeline
Levine.
Levine is the
author of the recently published "The Price of Privilege: How
Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation
of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids" (Harper Collins), and she recently
spoke at the New Canaan Library and at Just Books Too in Greenwich.
"Affluent kids have
three times the rate of depression, three times the rate of anxiety
disorders and substantial rates of substance abuse and psychological
disorders such as eating disorders and cutting than other
socio-economic groups in the U.S.," she told the group of
approximately 20 women who had come to hear her speak at the New
Canaan Library. Later that evening, she spoke to a
standing-room-only crowd at Just Books Too.
The book grew out
of Levine's 25-year practice treating children and adolescents.
About eight years ago Levine started seeing a change in her clients.
In the past, young people in distress had an outward air of being
frazzled, she said. Now the kids she was seeing looked good from the
outside.
The teenagers were
articulate, sophisticated and getting good grades. But below the
surface, they were troubled.
"There was no
robustness, no enthusiasm towards life in these kids. Kids are
supposed to be enthusiastic. These kids were astonishingly bland,"
Levine said.
When Levine would
ask her teenage clients to talk about themselves, they would recite
their SAT scores and the names of schools to which they were
applying. Their responses, their seeming lack of an internal life,
reminded Levine of the way much younger children talk about
themselves.
These observations
about her clients in Marin County, Calif., led Levine to talk to
psychologists in other parts of the country, and to the research of
Columbia University's Suniya Luthar. Luthar made the surprising
discovery that affluent teenagers suffered from more depression and
anxiety than inner-city teenagers. Ironically, she'd used upper
middle-class teenagers as a control group in her study of inner city
teenagers.
Levine learned she
was not alone in noticing a change in affluent teenagers, so she
decided to write about it.
"I was curious
about how come kids who are blessed with advantages, who have
families who are involved, are exhibiting epidemic rates of
depression," she said.
What Levine
determined is that affluent kids are under an incredible amount of
pressure "untenable in terms of health" to get good grades and to
get into a "brand name school."
"We're turning out
performers, not learners. These kids don't take any risks. They
don't take academic risks because they don't want to get a bad
grade."
In contrast to
today's kids, Levine said, members of older generations had time to
"lay around and think about what interests us, to create a sense of
self." This is one of the tasks of growing up, she said, to learn to
be with yourself, to rely on yourself, to manage yourself, sooth
yourself and to delay gratification.
But in affluent
communities, over-involved parents are delaying and intrusive
parents are derailing their children's development. Levine said that
over-involved parents slow a child's progress, but don't do damage.
Intrusive parents, however, are dangerous.
She gave two
examples of events in her own community in which parents interfered
with the consequences of their children's actions.
A group of
teenagers were caught cheating on their SATs they were under great
pressure to get good scores, Levine said. But the students were
never punished. "The school capitulated to parental influence and
threw out the scores of every student that took the test," she said.
In another case, a
school's top athletes were caught posting pornographic photos to
which they had attached photos of their teachers' faces through the
school. In this case the school did not cave. They banned the
students from the prom. The parents, however, threw an alternate
prom for their children.
The self-esteem
movement has caused many unintended problems. Levine referred to a
New Yorker cartoon in which a kid brings a trophy home to his
father. The caption reads, "We lost."
Humor aside, Levine
finds the focus on building children's self-esteem does not allow
them to deal with failure. "It's a terrible preparation for life.
It's a disservice," she said.
Despite being
seemingly involved in "every nook and cranny" of their children's
lives, many parents are disconnected, Levine said.
"As one of my
clients put it, 'How is it possible that my mom is everywhere and
nowhere at the same time?" In the New Canaan Library, the remark
seemed to strike home. A murmur went through the audience.
"Kids feel their
parents are so stressed, overwhelmed and busy, they have no time to
be present," Levine said. She said that affluent children are less
connected to their families than any other socio-economic group. And
despite the common perception of teenagers wanting to escape their
families, "Every kid in my practice wants more time with their
parents," Levine said. She encourages parents to be "an inviting,
listening presence."
When she talks
about affluence, Levine said she is not talking about money. She is
talking about a culture that appears to value material possessions
over emotional connection. "Kids need an available parent, not the
latest I-Pod or computer," she said.
Shopping is often
used as a panacea. Levine mentioned a mother who told her she'd take
her daughter shopping "to make her feel better."
"Juicy Couture is
good for a second," Levine said, "Leaning how to deal with your
uncomfortable feelings is good for a lifetime. Buying kids things is
not the way to go."
So what is the way
out of these unintended consequences of affluence? Finding solutions
is important, Levine said. She is heartened by the fact that the
problem has been recognized. Now, parents need to look at themselves
and change their behavior.
They need to learn
how to discipline their children. Levine expressed amazement at some
of the questions parents ask her. "Is it alright to set a curfew for
my daughter?"
Of course it is,
Levine said.
Or a mother who
says she's found "just a little bit" of cocaine in her daughter's
room should she say anything? After all, she was violating her
daughter's privacy.
Of course she
should, Levine said.
"Parents need to
set limits," she said, "and tolerate their kid's anger."
Mothers need to
learn to take care of themselves. "Affluent mothers are the least
likely to get help for themselves than any other socio-economic
group," she said. She said that being a healthy mother means having
friends and outside interests, and taking time to cultivate their
marriage.
"There's a reason
on airplanes they tell you to 'put on your own mask first,'" Levine
said, getting a laugh. She said that there is a correlation between
rates of depression in mothers and in their children.
The emphasis on
getting into a brand name school needs to be reassessed. "There is
no correlation between the school attended and satisfaction in life,
and minimal correlation between school attended and lifetime
income," she said, "Very few of the people on the Fortune 500 list
went to Ivy League schools."
Instead, parents
need to promote creativity and initiative in their children.
"You can encourage
initiative to an extent by stepping back. To say, 'I don't know' and
letting your kid know you have confidence in them."
|
