Distinguished friends offer holiday
season insights
Educators, authors and parents give
valuable advice about coping with our busy lives during the holidays
December 21, 2006
BY DEBBIE GLASSER debbie@newsforparents.org
Rushing Out the Door. . . . If our
family's busy pace is any indication, this may be an appropriate
title for a new holiday song.
From Thanksgiving until New Year,
lives seem to go into overdrive. Running here. Dashing there. It
feels like there aren't enough hours in the day to get all the to-do
lists done.
Yet, regardless of religious
affiliation, the holidays are meant to be a time for quiet
reflection, joyful connections and meaningful traditions. No rushing
required.
I asked professors, authors,
educators and busy parents -- in South Florida and throughout the
country -- to share their insights and suggestions about how to make
the most of the season.
Here's some holiday advice for busy
families who want to feel less rushed, more reflective; less
commercialized, more connected; less pressured, more peaceful.
Enjoy this special time.
'Avoid the `ideal image' of the
holidays. Ideal images keep us locked in competition with things
outside ourselves. We compare how our house, gifts, food or schedule
looks in comparison to some ideal image we have of the holidays.
This internal comparison may be very subtle, and the indicator is
stress. Instead, make our highest intention for the holiday the
creation and deepening of connections with our family and friends.''
Maggie Macaulay, M.S., parent educator, Miramar,
www.WholeHeartedParenting.com.
'Set aside a little time each day
to engage in some kind of stress-reducing activity. Anything that
`calms us down' will do, whether it consists of reading, listening
to music, yoga, meditation, or a hobby.'' Thomas J. Capo, Ph.D.,
lecturer, Department of Psychology, University of Maryland.
''During the holidays, ask family
members and friends to choose quotations that inspire them -- and
encourage them to share the quotations with each other. This can
model inspiration and deeper thinking for everyone.'' Natalie Caine,
founder of Empty Nest Support Services,
www.EmptyNestSupport.com.
'To ensure my children don't
forget `the reason for the season,' my wife, my kids and I say a
prayer of thanks Christmas morning before opening presents. We each
say our prayer out loud or to ourselves.'' Michael Driehorst, parent
and blogger (http://theparentsblog.blogspot.com),
Temperance, Mich.
''The holidays are not about
presents but being present as a family to celebrate together the
rituals and festivities that make this time of year so special.''
Carol Kaufman Newman, president, Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance (www.JOFA.org).
'During the holidays, families
get on a `yes-treadmill' -- racing from event to event, gathering to
gathering -- leaving little time to relax and reflect. If we can
stop agreeing to do too much and to be in too many places, we will
have the time and energy to be there for the people we care the most
about and for the people who truly need our help.'' Susan Newman,
Ph.D., social psychologist and author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to
Say It -- and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever
(McGraw-Hill).
''Host a holiday potluck dinner.
Invite families who are new to your neighborhood, your child's
school, or your workplace -- or those who may just be far from their
own families -- over for a holiday celebration with yours.'' Marc
and Craig Kielburger, co-authors of ME TO WE: Finding Meaning in a
Material World (Fireside), and founders of Free the Children (www.FreetheChildren.com).
''The holidays are all about
sharing, giving back and appreciating what we already have, and few
activities achieve all of these simultaneously like volunteering
does.'' Jason Willett, director of communications,
www.VolunteerMatch.org.
''Material goods aren't the
answer. The more purposeful we make our children feel, the happier
and more stable they will be.'' Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, author of
Shalom in the Home (Meredith Books) and the TV show by the same
name.
''Encourage young people and
children to express their opinions and feelings about a better world
-- especially through art, poetry and other creative expression.''
Janis D. Shields, spokeswoman with the Quaker-affiliated American
Friends Service Committee.
'In stepfamilies, don't compete
with your children's `other' parents by showering kids with
expensive gifts. And consider joining a stepparent support group to
share the many feelings about 'family' that come up during the
holiday season.'' Lisa Cohn, co-author of One Family, Two Family,
New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies (River Wood Books).
''As a crucial lesson for the
children, the parents should buy a present for a poor child that
they do not know -- nor will they ever meet. The child should see
the parent doing this. The present should be sent to a child
selected by a charity of the family's choice.'' Professor Richard
Belson, marriage and family therapy teacher at Adelphi University of
Social Work in New York.
''During the holiday season, too
busy doesn't mean better, more fun and greater spiritual meaning.
Taking time to be with family and celebrate your family's rituals is
the best way to slow down and commemorate the meaning of the
holiday. If your family doesn't have its own special ritual, create
it.'' Rabbi Jaime Aklepi, Congregation Bet Breira, and president,
Rabbinical Association of Greater Miami.
''Rituals that are most
meaningful to others are simple and not highly elaborate. Ask each
family member the thing they most look forward to over the holiday
season. You may be surprised what they answer. It may be a special
ornament on the tree, singing a song or a special dish to pass at
the family gathering. Typically, when families feel stressed over
the holidays, the rituals have turned into obligations rather than a
source of meaning. Ask each family member what he or she dreads or
can do without over the holidays. What they answer may surprise you,
too. What one person feels obligated to do may actually be something
everyone else can do without.'' Barbara H. Fiese, Ph.D., professor
and chairwoman, psychology department, Syracuse University.
'Children thrive on routine. But
routines may be hard to come by during the hustle and bustle of the
holiday season: no school for days at a time, late nights, parties,
out-of-town relatives. Parents need to learn to read their child's
cues (as much as possible) and prioritize holiday `tasks.' Also, pay
attention to your needs. If you're pulled in a million directions,
your children are probably feeling it, too. Seek support whenever
you, as a parent, feel overwhelmed. And give yourself a 'gift' of
time alone: read a book, rent a movie, take a walk. Breathe!'' Susan
K. Dandes, Ph.D., clinical director of the University of Miami Child
Protection Team.
Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., is a
licensed clinical psychologist and founder of
NewsForParents.org, an online
newsletter for parents.
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